The Past is a Mirror

Radhika was 32 years old, married, mature, a perfectionist and in complete control of her immaculate home. Her kitchen could be a corner in an IKEA store - beautiful and utterly butterly delicious. Her day started with making sure that everything was in the right place – towels were in the right drawer and there was not a single fold or butt impression on her bedsheet.

She also tried to better herself perpetually and meet others’ expectations. Pleasing other people was her thing -- it made her feel better about herself. When her husband complimented the Baingan Ka Bharta she cooked, she rejoiced for many days since she’d worked hard to perfect it.

However, she was also very self-critical when she didn’t meet the high bar she’d set for herself. Sometimes, having too much fun provoked guilt. One time, she binge-watched four episodes of ‘Humsafar’ on Netflix and felt terrible to have wasted time - reading the newspaper or a book would have been an appropriate thing to do.

An inherent sense of what’s right and what’s wrong sprung up every time she indulged.

Consequentially, it was very hard for Radhika to look at her past without any judgements or critique. When she thought about her younger self, she cringed with embarrassment to how silly, immature and frivolous she was. By the time she was 23, she’d been in multiple relationships. She’d also borrowed money from her friends to avoid taking it from her father and she’d gotten caught by the police while making out in the car.

Given her self-critical skills, she didn’t need any police to make her feel bad, her mind was credulously playing the role of moral police all the time.   

Recently, she ran into an old friend from college. A few minutes into the conversation and her friend started to compliment Radhika’s free-spiritedness and resilience back then. She reminded her of BITS Pilani days when she didn’t shy away from making new friends and enjoying herself without any inhibitions.  

It really surprised Radhika at how drastically different she looked at herself with her friend’s opinion.

She couldn’t help but wonder what happened? Had she become overtly judgmental of herself? Why couldn’t she see herself in the same way as her friend did? Why was she so self-critical? Did the “idea of a perfect Indian wife” take away from her sense of self and spirit.

While she didn’t have answers to those questions, she recognized that she needed to stop judging her past and accept the person she used to be. It felt right to stop cringing her decisions and start celebrating them. It was no easy task but she started to push herself and thought about how much fun she had in her relationships and how they shaped her as a person. She accepted after almost ten years that it wasn't her fault for making out in the car, it was just human.

It was a breakthrough moment when she realized that she couldn’t be happy as a person in her present life if she wasn’t supportive of her past. How could she enjoy a sense of real pride (more than the pride of Baingan Ka Bharta) until she celebrated herself at every stage of her life?